Fart
by CosmicKitten89
Summary: Iggy and Lemmy have a new friend loafing around the castle who strongly resembles King Wart of SubCon.  What trouble will they get themselves into?
1. Magic Potion

Fart

**Disclaimer: I only own Fart**

Chapter One

Magic Potion

Fart dozed languidly in the shade of the castle that had once belonged to King Wart of SubCon. He was awakened by a rumbling in his gut.

Fart groaned. There was little to eat in SubCon other than those nasty root vegetables that grew everywhere, and those tasty little cherries that took a long time to grow back after he ate them. Fart remembered that it had been the vegetables that had more or less overthrown the King. A princess, a kid with a mushroom cap for a head and two plumbers from outside of SubCon had force-fed them to Wart until he surrendered and let go of the fairies.

Fart missed the fairies. They multiplied like magic and were delicious. They were in fact the only food that the King would eat, and there were still plenty left to feed the other denizens of the kingdom.

Yes, Wart had been a good king. Fart was often asked if he were a relative of Wart's. Many people in fact thought that he _was_ the former King Wart.

_Me, king_. Fart laughed at the thought.

Fart was wearing a flannel t-shirt covered with stains and a stapled-together paper crown_. I'm king, all right. _

But since the king had been overthrown, Sub-Con had been quite vacant. Most of the Shy Guys and other uniquely SubCon creatures had left to become residents of the outside world, which was more civilized and had better food.

_The outside world_, Fart thought. _That's it._

Fart hauled himself up, yawned lazily, and got to work plucking vegetables. All he needed was to find one of those rare magic potions, and he could go to the outside world to get some good grub.

At last, he found one. A bubbly pinkish-red formula for making magic doors appear. All he needed to do was break the bottle and enter SubSpace through the door. SubSpace was the alternate dimension through which he could travel outside of SubCon.

But, once in SubSpace, he would have to choose a transportation urn or a door to go through, and many of them would only take him to another part of SubCon. Then he would have to pluck more and more vegetables…

"Hey, Fart!"

It was Fart's girlfriend.

"Hey, Birdo!"

"I told you, I'm Birdetta!"

"Are you a male or a female?"

"A female. See the bow?"

"I think you're a drag queen."

They both laughed at this comment. It was generally believed that female Birdos were pink and spat only eggs, and male Birdos were green and bowless and spat only fire, but no one knew what to make of the ones like his girlfriend, those that were red with orange bows and spat eggs and fire. Many believed that they were hermaphrodites.

"Well, anyway, I've got good news. Look what I found. It's a map of SubCon that shows all the points where we can enter the outside world through SubSpace, and where in the outside world they take you. And guess what? This point right here, on the other side of this castle, will take you inside King Bowser of Dark Land's castle!"

_King Bowser's castle. Sweet_. The Koopa king had always been on good terms with SubCon, had often attended King Wart's banquets, and had often invited Wart to do the same. Still, Fart was certain he wouldn't take kindly to an interloper.

Birdo led Fart over to the bird's head on the other side of the castle. Fart threw the potion and opened the door.

"Are you sure you don't want to come, sweetie?"

"Are you crazy? There's _hot lava_ inside his castle. I really don't think you should go."

"Relax, Birdie. You know me. I'll be fine."

"But what if the King catches you?"

"He won't. I'll be super sneaky."

"Take care, love. Oh, and give me a kiss, would you?"

Fart braced his cheek for Birdo's wet, suction-y kiss.

"And bring back plenty of goodies, okay?"

"Yes, dear". Fart closed the door behind him.

Fart hustled through the blue zone to get through the bird's mouth.

**Chapter Two is on the way! Please comment!**


	2. Meet the Twins

Chapter Two

Meet the Twins

**Note: In this story, Iggy and Lemmy closely resemble the Hip and Hop from the cartoons. Lemmy likes to eat like a hog; Iggy is crazier and apparently more retarded. They are six years old in this story; if you want their ages relative to the other characters, check my bio.**

**(Disclaimer: I only own Fart).**

Fart was swallowed by the eagle head and puked up by a Bowser head. It looked like he was in one of King Koopa's luxury parlors: velvet cushioned furniture, handsome red rug, black and white tiled floor, chandelier, fireplace right under the Bowser head. No lava in here.

_Niice. I could get used to this. But first I need to find food. _

Fart peered cautiously through the door. He found himself in a brightly lit hallway with rows and rows of doors and lava glowing underneath the mesh floor, partially visible underneath the luxury carpets.

The door across from him suddenly opened and Fart was face-to-face with a pair of young Koopas – judging by their sturdy build, sharp teeth and prickly shells, they were of the same race of Koopa as Bowser and therefore his children. They both had rainbow-colored mohawks. The smaller one was balancing atop a ball; the larger one needed braces and wore thick glasses with swirly marks painted over them.

Fart quickly slammed the door and attempted to retreat into the Bowser head. He was able to fit inside, but he couldn't get back into SubCon. The potion wore off_. Dammit._

The Koopa kids opened the door and went looking around. The one with the glasses tripped over his own feet and his glasses fell off. In his attempt to find them, he bumped into his brother's ball, causing him to lose his balance and fall on top of the glasses.

"Here, Iggy, here are your glasses!" But Iggy was running around in circles, shouting, until he eventually crashed into the other one.

Fart watched them with amusement_. Fools. Retards. This will be reeeal easy._

Once Iggy got his glasses back on he turned immediately to the Bowser head and peered inside.

"Peekaboo" said Fart.

Iggy screamed and ran into his brother. They both retreated into their shells.

"Aww, come on, Iggy, there's no reason to be scared of your Uncle Fart."

"Uncle?" The twins popped their heads out and stared at Fart.

"Yep. How else would I know your names? You must be Iggy, and you must be…"

"Lemmy", said the smaller Koopaling.

"Gimme a hug, boys!"

Iggy and Lemmy ran up to hug their "uncle".

**Chapter Three is coming up right away! Spring break for me, so I got tons of spare time! I think I'll write it right now…**


	3. Hop on Pop

Chapter Three

Hop on Pop

**(Disclaimer: I only own Fart; I certainly do not own Dr. Seuss's "Hop on Pop.")**

**Strange name, I know. But you'll see why later.**

"All right, boys, do you know where your old Uncle Fart can get some food?"

"Follow us!" they shouted.

Fart followed Iggy and Lemmy out into the hallway and through the door that he first saw them exit. Now this part of the castle had the fortified dungeon look that King Koopa's real estate was infamous for. Cold stony walls and floors, the hallway a balcony above a pool of lava. Bowser statues were present in the hallway.

"Don't worry, they only breathe fire during lockdown," Iggy said.

"That's when Mario or Luigi comes into the castle and King Daddy turns the alarms on," said Lemmy.

"Mario and Luigi are these mean guys who like to beat King Daddy up," said Iggy.

"Umm… Where is your King D-Daddy?" Fart asked, sweating from the lava.

"He's at one of his other castles," said Lemmy. "Soon Mario's gonna come and beat him up again…"

"DON'T!" screamed Iggy. "DON'T HURT DAAAAADYYYYY!" Iggy sobbed noisily.

"…and that's when he'll come home," finished Lemmy. He then turned to comfort his brother.

"Don't cry, Iggy, King Daddy will be all right."

"We're not supposed to be out here, 'cause it's dangerous," said Lemmy. "If King Daddy were here, he would make us play Dark 'n Crispy for being out here. But this is the only way to get to the pantry."

Iggy and Lemmy moved a brick out from the wall next to the pantry door and crawled in.

"Hey, guys, what about me?" asked Fart.

The twins opened the door from the inside.

_Sweet._ Fart ogled the mind-boggling selection of food from the pantry. Cookies and chips and bread and beer cans and fine wine and doughnuts and popcorn and ramen and canned tuna and Vienna sausages and flour… all of it expensive name-brands.

Lemmy pointed to the right wall. "This is the refrigerator…"

"…and this is the freezer," said Iggy.

Fart headed for the freezer to get some Vanilla BeanBean ice cream, grabbed a bag of cheesy chips and a jar of cheesy dip, and washed it down with some cold beers. Iggy and Lemmy finished up his ice cream and nachos while Fart burped.

"Okay, guys… my back hurts. Will you walk on my back for me please?"

Fart rolled over.

"King Daddy never lets us walk on his back, said Iggy.

"It's spiky, so we wouldn't want to walk on it anyway," said Lemmy.

"Wellllll…. My back isn't so spiky. Just hop on it like Hop on Pop."

"Hop on Pop! Hop on Pop!" the twins shouted together. Their obsession with the Dr. Seuss story, along with their bouncy hyperactivity, had inspired their siblings with the nicknames "Hip" and "Hop" for them.

Hip and Hop went bouncing up and down on top of Fart. His spine cracked beneath their feet.

"Aaahhh… That feels so much better…"

**The hopping on pop part was inspired by my mom, who used to have me and my twin sister walk on her back as a cheap form of chiropractic therapy. We're too big to do that now… Anyways, hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter's going to introduce Ludwig… Trust me, it'll be a hoot! **


	4. More Magic Potion

Chapter Four

More Magic Potion

**(Disclaimer: I only own Fart).**

**Since its spring break, I'm going to try to get this entire story finished this week. I probably should be working on my homework though… Aww, it can wait.**

Fart bagged up as much food as he could into a black garbage bag.

"Uncle Fart, whatcha bagging up food for?" asked Iggy.

"Um, I'm like the food Santa Claus. Ho ho ho!"

"So you gonna deliver food presents around the world?" asked Lemmy. "Neat-o!"

Fart laughed. "Okay, boys, do you know where the laundry is?" Fart's shirt hadn't been washed in weeks – no, _months._

Iggy and Lemmy led Fart over to the laundry room. Fart threw his shirt into the wash and put on a pair of faded purple overalls.

"That's what our Uncle Wario wears!" said Iggy.

"Uncle Wario's gonna be mad if he finds that his billy-jeans are gone!" said Lemmy.

Fart laughed. "I talked to Uncle Wario the other day, and he said I could wear his overalls any time".

Fart took in a deep breath. "Wait for it… Here it comes… Ahhh…."

"Eeewww! Stinky!" Iggy and Lemmy plugged their noses and laughed.

"Okay, boys, I need to go home now. Do you know where I can get me a magic potion that can take me home?"

"Kooky's got tons of magic potions!" cried Iggy. He pronounced Kooky like "cookie".

"Who's this Cookie guy?"

"He's our brother", said Iggy.

"His real name is, umm, Lugwig," said Lemmy. "I dunno why everyone calls him Kooky."

"He likes cookies…" said Iggy.

"Okay, um," began Fart. "…Exactly how many brothers and sisters do you guys have?"

"We have, um," Lemmy counted on his fingers. "...Four brothers."

"And one sister", added Iggy.

_Whoa. This Kooky/Ludwig guy must be smart if he's making all these magic potions. Better keep my distance._ "Okay, um, I would like it if you kept me secret from Kooky, okay?"

"Why?" they asked in unison.

"Because I'm your secret uncle."

"Okay. Our lips are zippered." The twins made zipper motions over their lips.

The twins led Fart over to a pipe that led down to the dangerous lava room. They were amazed at how easily Fart, for all his girth, was able to fit through the pipe.  
"Hehe. Told you I'm the Food Santa."

The twins and Fart raced past spinning torrents of fire to get to another pipe.

"Kooky's secret lab entrance. Even Kooky doesn't know about this one", said Iggy.

The_y _went down the pipe and emerged from a waste receptacle into a dungeon filled with sophisticated metal equipment, colorful liquids in strangely-shaped containers, and cages full of scary-looking mutant plants and animals.

"I don't think Kooky's in here," said Iggy.

Fart ogled the different chemicals and found an Erlenmeyer flask full of pink liquid that resembled the kind that was used in SubCon to make magic doors appear. Fart grabbed it and tossed it down to the ground. Nothing happened.

"Awww… no door?" Fart said.

"Kooky's coming!" said Lemmy.

Fart hid in the corner behind a chalk board.

Maniacal laughter filled the dungeon as Kooky entered. His lab coat was grease-stained and sticky from candy. His wild blue hair was tangled and had a lollipop stuck to it. His eyes were wide and bloodshot, the pupils constricted; his smile was twisted and crooked.

"Iggy! Lemmy! How many times do I have to tell you two not to wander off? Don't you realize that King Dad left me in charge of you two, and he'll kill me if he finds out I haven't been watching you?"

"We got bored of listening to you play piano," said Iggy.

"For Koop's sake, it was a _pipe organ_!" Ludwig screamed, tearing at his hair. "Anyway, it's time for _you_ to be taking your medicine, Iggy!"

He held out a handful of pills of assorted colors. Iggy wolfed them down like candy.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Iggy, _don't chew_! It's psych meds, not candy!"

Ludwig gasped when he saw the shattered mess on the floor. "My phenolphthalein!"

**Hope you enjoyed that! If you have any questions, feel free to make comments! By the way, when I was little I called overalls billy-jeans, in case you were wondering about what Lemmy said about Fart's new outfit!**


	5. Essy Marks

**Sorry I haven't worked on this story in a while; my computer got messed up and I had to wait until spring break was over so I could bring it to the tech people at school to fix it.**

"How many times have I told you two not to touch my chemicals! Which one of you did it?"

"We didn't do it, Fart did it!" said Iggy.

Lemmy said, "Shhh! Kooky's not supposed to know about Fart!"

"I… mean Mr. Boopy," said Iggy, referring to his actual imaginary friend.

"And who is Fart? Another one of your imaginary friends, I suppose?" asked Ludwig.

"Yes!" said Lemmy.

"Well, imaginary friends only leave imaginary messes, and this mess is very real indeed! You two stay here while I fetch my nifty patented ingenious Clean-o-matic lab vacuum and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

After Ludwig walked away, Fart beckoned to the twins to view the picture he was drawing on the chalkboard.

Fart had erased most of the formulae to make room for a caricature of Ludwig, a shock-haired, fire-breathing monster with bloodshot eyes, holding a smoking, bubbling Erlenmeyer flask in one hand and a brain in a jar in the other, labeled "KOOKY VON KOOPA" in childishly sloppy handwriting.

Iggy and Lemmy laughed, and Iggy began doodling integral marks on the chalkboard.

"Look, Uncle Fart, I make essy marks!"

Iggy drew x's and y's and e's and other math symbols that he was copying off the part of the board that Fart hadn't erased.

Then they heard Ludwig coming back, and Fart hid back behind the board, turning it around so Ludwig could see the picture he had drawn.

Ludwig screamed at the picture of himself. "You erased my calculations for my upcoming Brain Suctionizer! That's three months of work _wasted_!"

Iggy and Lemmy couldn't stop giggling.

"OUT! Out of my lab! And until I have a brain transplant ready for you two, I don't ever want to see you in here again!"

While Ludwig was weeping over his lost work, Iggy, Lemmy and Fart sneaked out through the secret entrance.

"What's the matter, Uncle Fart?" Lemmy asked.

"Oh, I can't go home now. Kooky doesn't have any of the magic potions I need."

"He might have it in his bedroom", said Iggy.

"Yeah, Kooky has lots more kooky stuff in his bedroom!"

"OK, boys, show me to Kooky's bedroom!"

When Ludwig stopped crying, he stared at the board, trying to remember what he had written on it. He remembered that he was still a long way away from solving it, though. He didn't recognize the awkwardly scrawled antiderivatives in the corner.

Running through the equation in his head, Ludwig realized that Iggy's haphazard doodling had been just the solution he had been working for.

**Stay tuned! And please review! I do enjoy constructive criticism; receiving a little feedback would really make my day!**


	6. The Tide is High

**Yay! The glitch that has been preventing me from publishing my Koopaling stories has been fixed! A big thank you anyways to Tiana Koopa for publishing the first chapter of my new story, "We Want King Daddy Back!"**

Fart followed Iggy and Lemmy down the hallway on the way to Ludwig's room, but he stopped when he heard a female Koopaling's voice singing:

_"The tide is high but I'm holding on…_

_I'm gonna be your number one..."_

Fart peeped through the doorway. The room was fancy and pink everywhere, with pillows shaped like hearts and kisses, and a vanity with way too many pink lightbulbs.

"Is this your sister?" asked Fart.

"That's Wendy," said Lemmy.

"King Daddy likes to call her Kootie Pie," said Iggy.

Wendy was singing into a hairbrush while blow-drying her big, floppy pink and white-polka-dotted bow. Then a Hannah Montana ringtone went off. Wendy pulled the phone out of her shell and flipped it open.

"Hey, Birdo. Just bow-drying right now. No, King Daddy's not home. _What?_ Oh, no! He _didn't_! I'm gonna kill Roy… Hey, what are you blaming me for?"

Wendy dropped the blow-dryer and plugged in her flat iron. She flattened the creases in her bow out as she argued with Birdo.

Fart had an idea. If he could just get to Wendy's phone and call Birdo – his Birdo, not the one Wendy was talking to – then he could have her toss out a potion to make a door to take him back to Sub-Con.

Wendy dropped the phone and jumped onto her bed, crying and banging on it.

"Hey, boys," Fart asked, "Do you think one of you could run in there and grab me your sister's phone?"

Iggy and Lemmy both ran in, and they caught the phone at the same time. Instead of bringing it back to Fart, they began to fight over it. Eventually Wendy noticed and stormed after them.

"KEEP YOUR MITTS OFF OF MY PHONE!"

"But Mr. Boopy wants us to make a phone call!" said Iggy.

Wendy sighed. "All right, who do you want to call?"

Iggy ran over to Fart and asked for the phone number. Iggy told the phone number to Wendy and she dialed it in. She held on to the phone, expecting Iggy to talk to it while it was in her hand.

"Um, Mister Boopy is over there," Iggy said. "He wants me to take the phone over to him alone."

"Fine!" Wendy tossed the phone at her bedroom door. "Just have it! I'll just have King Daddy buy me a new one!"

She flopped back onto her bed to cry some more into a velvety red lips pillow.

Iggy brought the phone over to Fart. _Cool, a free phone! _he thought.

"Hello, Birdie? It's me, Fart. I finally got myself a phone."

"So you did?" asked Birdo. "Then why does it have a girly pop ring tone?"

Fart blushed. "It… came on default. It was a deal. Listen, they don't have any magic door potion over here. Do you think you could find one for me and toss it so I can get back home? Thank you."

"All right, boys, I'm going home!" said Fart.

"What? Don't go home Uncle Fart!" said Iggy. "We'll miss you!"

"Yeah, can't we come with you?" asked Lemmy.

"Don't cry boys, I'll be back. I'll take you home to visit some other time."

They were suckers, but Fart had to admit, he sure had a fun time with them. And Wendy was cute too. Maybe he could get to know her, or some of the twins' other brothers… but not Ludwig, no. He was too smart. Nor the dad, King Bowser, whenever he got home.

Fart returned to the Bowser head, called Birdo to ask her to use the potion, and crawled through with the sack of food into Sub-Con.

"So, how was Dark Land?" asked Birdo.

"Pretty sweet, actually. The king was gone, and I got to play around with his kids. And look what I've scored!"

Birdo tooted in joy at the sight of all the decadent foods.

"You know what? I think I'll come and visit every day now…"

**The End**

**P.S. if you want to know what Roy did, look for it in an upcoming T-rated story!**

**And once again, reviews would really make my day!**


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